Zibuyile iinkokheli

Hey Leader!

Today is the 31st of March 2023, can you believe it? Just like that, the first quarter of the year is done and dusted. Is it me or is this year going by a tad bit too fast? This month had a lot happening simultaneously and as I hinted on last week’s post ‘Muzzled by feelings of inadequacy’ I actually sat down to reflect and check in with myself. Needless to say, I’ve been pensive ever since.

Earlier this week I shared a picture I had taken on one of my morning beach strolls. This was shared on my WhatsApp stories, aka my WhatsApp channel where I do vlog-style uploads. Side note: I’m a storyteller at heart, and my favourite way to do so is through writing, but I will pull out my phone every now and then to tell a story.

I shared this after a while of struggling to aptly articulate my thoughts. Let me give you a bit of context but before I do, please go and read ‘The person behind the blog’ post on which I shared a bit about myself. If you’ve read that already, you will know that I’m a medical doctor by profession – post community service (life as a medic requires an entire series) and currently on the job market because security in this field isn’t as guaranteed as you were led to believe at career expos.

The thing is, what most people don’t know is that after six years of medical school, you have to complete two years of compulsory training of which the department of health is obliged to place you at a training facility while meeting the health needs of the country. So technically, you are guaranteed a job after medical school because you can’t practise medicine in South Africa if you haven’t done internship. Two years of security. Great.

Our healthcare system relies on junior doctors for its functioning. We have a dire need for specialists don’t get me wrong, but please do not look down on junior doctors. I won’t say much about the role we played during the pandemic but just know that most of us are in therapy still trying to deal with the toll it took on us.

Back to the issue of job security…after internship, there’s a year of compulsory community service whereby some algorithm is used to decide where you are placed yet again. This is mostly done in a rural setting where the need is often the greatest, yet with very limited resources. I will not get into the politics and injustices of medicine in our setting because this isn’t that kind of a platform.

So job security is pretty much guaranteed for three years after graduation. However, during CommServe, one spends a lot of time trying to figure out their niche in this mammoth of a field. Medicine is diverse and vast, you have the opportunity to do what you will with your career. The options are endless. With the same breath, the pressure to commit to a specialty immediately is paralyzing. One of these days, I’ll share my two cents on the unspoken pressures and dynamics within the fraternity.

Coupled with that kind of pressure, you have to deal with the fact that after three years of not worrying about employment, you suddenly have to look for a job. To stay in the public sector or to branch off into private practice? Heck! Do I even want to stay in medicine? Those are some of the many questions we ask ourselves. Some of my colleagues were able to secure jobs in December. However, a majority of people, like me, haven’t been able to and it has been an emotional rollercoaster.

About the picture, and the caption…I am finding myself in a season where things are slowing down. Last year I battled a lot with feeling like I was stuck in a hamster wheel race. You know? Quickly going nowhere? Now that I have both intentionally and forcibly taken a moment to catch my breath, I have come to the realisation that rest is not only important, but it is also necessary.

The paradox? It looks like things are slowing down when in fact, they are moving too fast. I have been resting, but I have also been busy. I have been busy living life. Doing the things I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t because of my erratic schedule. I am working on projects that I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to give my undivided attention had I not had this time to slow down. I am more present and actively participating in life instead of going through the motions. In this season, I am able to serve fully in the areas that God has entrusted me with.

The comfort stems from the fact that although no amount of preparation could’ve sufficed, there was some preparation done. Not by me at least. I wouldn’t have voluntarily participated in any of the ways that God was preparing me had I known the direction in which things were headed. You see the thing is, God knows me very well and in Him knowing me, He knew to drop lessons and nuggets while I was in medical school and over the past three years to ease me into what was to come. Fun fact: I don’t do well with sudden movements or change. I didn’t know it then, but I’ve had a million lightbulb moments over the past few months – so this is what that lesson was about all along?

With the comfort, comes uncertainty. Hear me out on this one. I am fully persuaded that God is not trying to figure out the intricacies of my life. He is not stuck on which direction my storyline is headed. That was decided the day I was conceived. So it’s not like the next scene is yet to be written. Isn’t it sweet, knowing that your steps are being ordered by a God who is acquainted with all of your ways? I couldn’t imagine following directions from someone who has no clue and never been to the destination!

Yet the uncertainty lingers on, simply because in my humanity, I require a degree of assurance. I need tangible evidence. Show me the whole picture, I need to sit in on the table read and gain insight on the entire script. Where is this going? Where did you slot in all of the plot twists that I need to prepare for? Which cue will indicate an anticlimax in the story?

I want to be both the playwright and person acting out the play. I want to be behind the scenes and on centerstage. That’s where the uncertainty emanates. Which is why I have to bring my mind under submission. On my previous post, I shared about how Paul encourages us to put on the helmet of salvation to protect our minds. I am countering the blows of uncertainty with a well-fitting helmet.

This week, with my helmet on, I have been speaking to myself saying, “Do not sqaunder this season. Whatever you do, do not squander this season.”

I don’t want my posts to be lengthier than they already are so I’ll finish this off on another post next week. As part of my goal to blog consistently, I created a running list of topic ideas on my notes. I could’ve chosen any of them for this week’s post. Yet I waited until the very last minute, literally, before sitting to write. The words seem to escape me sometimes and it feels like I don’t do justice with putting my thoughts on paper. So I sat for a while. Even so, I only scratched the surface here as I didn’t touch on the things I actually wanted to share about the conversation I had with myself.

Me to me: As you do life and lead, do not squander this season. DO NOT SQUANDER THIS SEASON.