Zibuyile iinkokheli

“One day you will be mindlessly scrolling on social media and you will see a cute couple. Manithi ntlaaa! It’s me” …a very long time after the celebrations are over. This is definitely one of my favourite social media jokes mainly because #relateablecontent!

Wait a minute. Pump the brakes! Before you get too excited and think I’ll be giving you the scoop about my romantic life – this post is definitely not going to be about that smh! We’re not there, at least not yet… We can talk about this other type of relationship on my next post which was initially meant to be a Valentine’s Day special so it’s already half-written, waiting for me to wrap it up.

On this third instalment and probably last of the repertoire of lessons series, I will be sharing a few of my musings, learnings and discoveries from the various relationships in my life. So stick around with me for a moment…

Relationship – a state of being connected, the way two or more people or groups regard and behave towards each other.

I am not an island. I was made for community.

My survival in this life is inextricably intertwined with being a member of a healthy community.

King Solomon the wise, had quite the take on life when he penned the book of Ecclesiastes. I mean, many things to him were plain vanity – life, pleasure, selfish toil, gain, honour and I guess, experience and wisdom taught him that. “All is vanity.” He said. I agree with him. All is truly vanity if God isn’t the centre of it.

Interestingly enough, in his piece of work, he didn’t speak of relationships as vanity. Maybe it’s because he had plenty of those to go around the block. Maybe it’s because he witnessed and was a part of thriving relationships, or maybe he wished that he had flourishing relationships. Who knows? Out of all the things he listed as being vanity, he established that companionship wasn’t one of them.

Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NKJV)

On my introductory YouTube video (shameless plug, here’s the link: https://www.youtube.com/@zibuyileiinkokheli), I shared a story about how much of a hermit I used to be. I still keep to myself at times although I’ve become much better over the years. This was a result of both nature and nurture I believe. I naturally prefer to be behind the scenes (let’s all laugh at me because look at my life now), somewhere in the shadows doing my thing in the background.

I used to think of myself as an introvert, but over the years I’ve realised that I lean more towards the middle of the spectrum – ambiversion. We can talk about my two cents’ worth of an opinion regarding personality types some other time but let’s just say that I had a rude awakening in 2019 when I had a year long lesson about the very core of my identity, which wasn’t tied to the fact that I fell under a certain personality type according to the famous Myers-Briggs classification. Can you tell that 2019 was a year and a half for me?

I was of the very wrong opinion that I did much better alone than in community. That I didn’t like nor deserve to be within a healthy community. My perception of my personality was so warped that I used to sabotage whatever relationship seemed to be brewing before it even saw the light of day. I was in so much distress at the time, yet my relief would clearly come in the form of human connection…but man did I spend a huge chunk of that year running away from said people. And when I mean run, I’m not using the phrase in the metaphorical sense. I used to run literally. After church? I would duck and dive to avoid making any interactions. In class? I sat by myself with little to no room for conversations with my peers. On the phone? Well, I just didn’t answer calls or respond to messages.

Through all that, I was also lonely in my suffering. Please note that I intentionally used the term lonely instead of alone. I felt lonely because my beliefs about myself and subsequent behaviours pushed me into that corner.

I wrote a piece on my friend’s blog (https://mouthpiecewordpresscom.wordpress.com/2017/03/13/when-the-facade-becomes-too-heavy-to-hold/) eons ago, which triggered a series of events and realisations which in turn led to a time when the penny finally dropped – I needed community. I was made for community.

I might feel lonely at times but I am never truly alone, unless I choose to be.

You see here? There is a massive difference between the two. One can feel lonely while being surrounded by many people. Are they alone? No. Loneliness is an experience. A painful one at that because loneliness comes with a deep, dull ache in your soul that is often so hard to explain. It can look like many things and manifest itself in different ways which people use as coping mechanisms – substances, situationships, overworking, overspending and the list goes on. You can be living with your family and be lonely. You can be married and be lonely. You can have friends on speed dial and yet still be lonely. Loneliness is a lived experience, one that sucks big time.

To me, loneliness often looks a lot like doing the most – quite literally! I will often grind myself to dust to keep myself busy and avoid the feeling of loneliness. Partly as a coping mechanism. Partly to have some form of control over my life but mostly to feel useful and a sense of belonging.

For a long time, I attached my worth to what I could achieve or do for others and if I wasn’t able to do either, I would feel very square in a round hole. Sometimes loneliness stems from my perceptions and feelings of being not being truly known. Feeling like although people know me, about me and of me, they don’t know the real me. The me that is a bubbly and outgoing person yet whose social battery is like that of an old iPhone. The me that analyses and critiques everything she says and beats herself up later about what she said during conversations that people can barely recall. The particular me. The meticulous to a fault me. The often procrastinating due to fear me. The flawed, far-from-perfect me.

At other times it will look like the complete opposite: frozen, unable to function optimally, mindlessly scrolling or disappearing from the face of the earth without a word.

Loneliness will cause you to self-isolate and push people away even when they want to be with you in and through your suffering. Loneliness will convince you that in fact, you are alone and have no one who cares about you. Loneliness will feed you lies which if you spend enough time ruminating on them, you will believe and behave as though they are true and set in stone. Loneliness perpetuates a cycle of further loneliness and if it is not nipped in the bud, will eventually cause you to be alone indeed.

King Solomon rightfully pities the person who is alone when they fall because indeed, you are bound to have a hard time getting up all by yourself.

People cannot read my mind.

I need to speak up. Clear communication builds and saves relationships. “Zee, most things just require a conversation really.” So in 2023, I was having difficult but necessary conversations because people cannot read my mind.

For my birthday in 2023, I was asked the question, “So what do you want to eat?” A straightforward question, right? An assumption could’ve been made based on the fact that the person who was asking knows me and could’ve guessed and went with whatever she thought I would enjoy. Which technically speaking, would’ve been appropriate even if it wasn’t the same thing I would’ve requested.

However, as I pondered over that question at a much later stage, I realised that even though people close to me might know me, they still cannot read my mind. They might pick up cues based on my body language and actions, but those could be misinterpreted if I don’t actually verbalise my thoughts.

Granted, not all relationships can be salvaged with a conversation, and yet still, if reconciliation isn’t possible, that too requires communication. Of course, there are some relationships which will gradually run their course and reach an expiry date with no drama. That is totally different and happens because we grow and evolve in our lifestyles, preferences and priorities. Relationships can be seasonal and are always for a purpose, so once that is done, they may naturally end.

Not all relationships are made equal but all of them require some form of work.

I want to say that all relationships require participation from all parties involved for them to work but I will also err on the side of caution and follow that statement up by putting it to you that the amount of input does not necessarily have to be 50-50 for the said relationship to survive. This can vary depending on the nature of that relationship.

For example: a mentor-mentee relationship, although mostly mutualistic in nature, the mentor oftentimes will be the one doing the pouring into the mentee. Even though the mentee has their own role to play such as actually pursuing and reaching out, the amount of pouring into the mentor wouldn’t be as much. That is understood and thus the relationship works. Should any of the parties step out of those roles, then the definition of the bond changes.

Friendships also vary in their dynamics. The needs of each party will change depending on the season they are in. A decent amount of communication is required to maintain the integrity and uphold the sanctity of the friendship. In one season, sometimes multiple successive seasons, one friend might need to be the one holding space for the other.

That is ok.

Life happens to the best of us and we all need people who will show up for us at our weakest and most vulnerable times. Does that mean that the person giving support will not need showing up for during that season? Of course not! This life thing is quite dynamic and both you and your friend can be going through it concurrently.

Does this mean that the person needing support cannot simultaneously go through their own bit while showing up for the other during their time of crisis? I don’t know. I cannot answer that one for you. As for me, I can number a few times when I wasn’t able to pick up the phone and say, “Hey. This is what’s been going on, I am struggling…” simply because I was trying my best to contain and pour out all at the same time. And to be honest with you, in some instances, I can never fault my people on this one. In some situations, I can never cry foul when I didn’t make my needs known.

Do I sometimes wish that they read between the lines during our conversations? Definitely! But then it all circles back to that communication I spoke of earlier.

I have been toying around with the idea of my communication style for a couple of weeks – 7 to be specific. The same amount of time it has taken me to finalise this post and publish it. I’ve been asking myself questions such as, “How am I communicating in the various relationships I’m in? Am I clear or do I expect people to read between my blurry lines? Am I listening to hear or listening to respond? Does my communication style make room for this relationship to thrive or am I adding to its demise? How can I do better?”

Lastly, I have been pondering on the thought that perhaps the way I communicate within my human relationships is a direct reflection of my interaction and communication with God and/or vice versa. I cannot move past the fact that throughout my life as a Christian, the way I have managed myself in relationships tends to be the same way I relate with and to God – isolate, run, communicate poorly and put in minimum effort while expecting great results. I’m still working my way through these thoughts. I might not come back here and share with you but dear leader:

As you do life and lead, I hope you will get to a point where you accept that not only were you created to live and grow in community, but you deserve to be in one. You are never truly alone, look around and you will see your people, your very own tribe. I hope that when life starts to switch up on you and you trip, you will have people surrounding you and ready to help you get up so you don’t fall prey to the Enemy who is always looking around like a lion ready to pounce and devour.

As you do life and lead, I hope you will foster relationships in which you are able to communicate – hear and be heard. I hope you will get to love and support others with no reservations and that the same will be reciprocated towards you. I pray that you will pursue and grab hold of the lifelines that are being thrown at you by people who want to be there for you. May God open your eyes and heart up to them. People I like to call, “Quality in my corner.”