Zibuyile iinkokheli

After a few posts of “heavy topics” this one is going to be a little on the lighter side of things, hopefully. This is not me asking you hey so before you have all your guards up and stop reading, relax! And neither is this going to be hate towards boo’d up folk or the single. It is just another piece where I let you in on the types of conversations I have with my people and my reflections over them.

Last week I went to pay a good friend of mine a visit (btw this post is now a few months old because I started with it in February). You see, we had been scheduling a hangout sesh for months but life kept on happening to both of us. Don’t get us wrong, it’s not that we were not intentionally prioritizing our relationship. It’s just that life was just being…life. Things would come up and one of us would have to cancel. Attempts to reschedule proved to be rather futile because in these adulting streets, time is never exactly convenient for anyone. Did we write each other off because of this? Nope. We still kept in touch, but never had ‘girl time’ where we could sit and look at each other eye-to-eye.

So on a whim, quite early one morning, I picked up my phone and texted her something along the lines of, “How busy are you today?” Needless to say, we had our time together albeit mid-household duties. All of the quality time love language people come and let’s gather here! That was so refreshing but then again, I had to leave before we even reached the crux of the matters we were talking about. As I was walking out to the car, we arranged to squeeze in a bit of time the next day to wrap up the conversation. And so we did.

The second time around, we actually sat down as we had lunch at her house. The errands waited. We talked about a range of things and had some deep meaningful conversations – my favourite. For a bit of context, she is married with children and smitten is an understatement at this point. I am currently knee deep in my “rich auntie” era and I love it! Ok, we’re working on the “rich” part but you get what I mean right?

“So, how is singlehood treating you?”

Internally, that question evoked a smidge of curiosity with a host of defenses ready to go up. My initial thought was, “Why do you ask? What does it matter? Are you trying to be all up in my business like everyone else? Are you about to give me the scoop about that married life or better yet, tell me about the so-called ticking time bomb?” Yet before I answered, I performed a swift analysis of the tone and body language with which the question was posed.

First of all, I have never been asked this question using this choice of words before. People have come to me with all sorts of variations of the question which all boiled down to a couple of things as the conversation progressed: How could you possibly be single at this age, with all that? ‘All that’ referring to a myriad of the famous wife material qualifiers. When are you getting married? Are there any potential suitors? When are you having children? You seem like you have very high standards, lower them a little otherwise you will die lonely and single. The list goes on. All of these to me sounded like they were laced with criticism and an unspoken expectation, therefore my responses to them were usually drenched in sarcasm.

Very seldom have I had conversations with people who led up with, “I love that you’re making the most out of this season. It’s ok if you don’t want to get married. This is how singlehood was for me…” This was one of those. You see, this question was asked from a place of genuine love, not concern for my discontentment with my state of being unmarried. I received it as such.

At this point, I’m pretty sure that you want me to get to my response already! Humour me for a moment first, you know I like giving contexts.

Growing up, I had one marriage in my family that I bore witness to firsthand. My Malume and Malumekazi, who will be celebrating their 26th anniversary in a few weeks. Besides that, marriage was an unfamiliar concept to me and I never really thought of or wanted to get married. Until the local church happened. That’s when I learned that marriage was an institution ordained by God Himself – not just for the purposes of fruitfulness but also for pleasure because He wants us to have good things in life. Although Paul asserts that not everyone will be married, I know that God loves marriage and not only that – He wants us to have happy, healthy and fruitful ones. What a concept!

I love seeing couples on social media pha kwa #loveliveshere although we only get to see what they allow the public to see…but man! Seeing godly marriages unfold right in front of my eyes daily? What an experience! I am so grateful for our leaders who let us in on the highs and lows of marriage. Who not only give encouragement and make us look forward to marriage but also help us navigate life as singles and remind us that marriage is not an achievement but an institution whose purpose is to give glory to God who initiated it to begin with.

So when did I change my mind about wanting to get married? Not so long ago. I won’t give specifics but since I hated answering the question, the earliest I can remember was when I was 9 years old when someone asked me when I wanted to get married. I told them that when I turned 28 because that seemed far and by that time I would’ve been old enough. Jokes’ on me ke sana because I’m turning 29 in June!

Quite a number of my peers are married and I guess it happens that when you reach a certain age, a person tends to feel a little antsy about their state of singlehood. I mean, who doesn’t want to show up in matching daki prints at events? But honestly, for me, singlehood hasn’t been something that’s lingering constantly in my mind for the longest of times.

It’s only in the recent months that I’ve actually cared enough to pay the subject enough attention and most of that was propelled by the conversations that were sparked at our @rucc_capetown Single & Kept dinner hosted by our Pastors. We have the pleasure of sitting down with them formally and informally and asking them questions regarding all things life – no filters. I won’t share much about those questions but one of my faves was something along the lines of, “How do you know that you have done enough work on your own (referring to things like dealing with trauma) and you’re now ready to introduce a second party into your life. There were tons of other questions asked but you get the nature of the questions. Nothing superficial here.

This wasn’t the first event hosted with such a platform for engagement, but for some reason, this one left me a little more pensive than previously. You see, I’m at that age now. That age. And so are my unmarried peers. The age where we will talk current affairs and inadvertently slide into the marriage conversation. To be quite frank. These conversations have zero sinister or snark remarks. They are mostly thought-provoking. Causing one to self-introspect. Ask really pertinent questions and oftentimes have to pause the process for days and weeks because the answers are sometimes difficult and/or triggering. Of course these ‘singles’ conversations will forever be laced with banter because at the end of the day, we are all just babies who got snuck up on by adulthood.

So…how is singlehood treating me?

Pretty well if you must know. I’m making the most of this season. Season being used very intentionally because it is fleeting. I don’t know when but it is. Paul is one of my favourite writers. I love just how honest and self aware he was when it came to the letters he wrote to the different churches. He was very careful to specify when what he wrote was something God had told him to pen or whether it was his opinion or advice. The distinction between the two becomes very important in Christian living because God’s instructions = not negotiable. Advice on the other hand, although godly in nature, one has freewill. You can take it or leave it.

So Paul wrote a rather long and interesting letter to the church in Corinth regarding marriage, divorce, singleness, remarriage and everything in between. A letter that is very appropriate for the modern day church if you ask me. Again, some of the thoughts he prefaced by saying, “Y’all, this is my two-cents recommendation…”

I’m not giving you a divine command but my godly advice. I wish that all of you could live unmarried, just as I do. Yet I understand that we are all decidedly different, with each having a special grace for one thing or another. So let me say to the unmarried and those who have lost their spouses, it is fine for you to remain single as I am. But if you have no power over your passions, then you should go ahead and marry, for marriage is far better than a continual battle with lust.

Now let me address the issue of singleness. I must confess, I have no command to give you that comes from the Lord. But let me share my thoughts on the matter, as coming from one who has experienced the mercy of the Lord to keep me faithful to Him. Because of the severe pressure we are in, I recommend you remain as you are. If you are married, stay in the marriage. If you are single, don’t rush into marriage. But if you do get married, you haven’t sinned.

1 Corinthians 7:6-9; 25-27 (TPT)

Haibo Paul! What are you saying? That was me reading the chapter in as many translations as I could and I am still trying to pick up my jaw from the floor! I have skipped over a couple of those verses but please, do yourself a favour and read the preceeding and succeeding chapters of that book. Paul dropped some real gems over there. Yhey! Paul was like, “I said what I said and I’m not taking none of it back mkaaay?”

I think over the past year and a bit, I have come to truly understand what Paul meant when he spoke about how singlehood allows a person to have undivided devotion to the things of God. I’ve witnessed it firsthand. My attention and devotion to serving in the local church has been truly undivided over the past few months – minus the jarring events that occurred in between because life throws curveballs just for variety and a little spice sometimes.

Back to the conversation I was having with my friend…the above was my immediate response.

Then she asked another hitter. “What about the loneliness? What about the panic and anxiety? Girl! What about dealing with ovulatory hormones? I’m married now and I got married at a much younger age than you will so I can only share so much. I wish the older single ladies would have been more open with us about these things…” (Not side eyeing any of the older ladies who happen to gatekeep information and your testimonies yet we could benefit from them, but ke this is a clarion call to you from me/us. We would truly appreciate having these unfiltered conversations with you. ❤️)

You see, that’s when the conversation intensified because the questions were valid. The experiences she pointed out also very real. So in as much as singlehood for me has been so far so good, it has not been without bloopers and frustration. My cousin recently got engaged so I went home for the lobola negotiations. It was too beautiful! After that experience, I obviously started introducing my thoughts regarding the possibility of marriage being on the horizon and had conversations with the women in my life (Moms, Aunts, Pastors).

Let me tell you this, everyone is looking forward to me getting married – including strangers. Which is weird and hilarious for some reason. Like so many people are invested in this situation. I guess my people want me to have nice things in life, with marriage being one of them. Or they want to see what my wedding will be like because I’m a particular liker of things? I guess we will just have to wait and see.

I did say that I wanted this post to be light for a change so perhaps I will do a few more inserts because I lowkey want to touch on some of my most favourite things about being single, my not so faves and maybe the things that some of you are thinking but are too scared to say or ask – I will probably cringe my way into writing those posts but someone has to talk about them I guess.

Anyways…

Dear Leader!

As you do life and lead, if you happen to be single – do not squander your singleness. Devote your life to the Lord fully. Serve. None of that time or the experience will go to waste. If you are married, it was God’s idea, a perfect one at that. A reflection of what our relationship with Him should be like. I pray that yours is exactly that, and if not, there is grace for that too.

As for me, I’m as single as a pringle and truly doing my best to make the most of it. Do with that information what you will.